Customising osCommerce

My good and humble readers,

It has long been a goal of mine to address the situation of there being nowhere to buy things of use on the internet; I am often perusing, as one might, the different websites of the commercial variety across the vast and complicated network known as the internet, and often I find myself wondering what exactly caused this all to be. Was it just luck that the internet reached the extents which it now finds itself at? Was it hard work? Was it that little orange tree named Alf with which I enjoyed a number of rather obnoxious conversations last Saturday evening? No, indeed it was not, in fact, with my varied and most useful vocabulary, I would go so far as to say it was definitely not. It was, my most honest readers, in fact money that caused the internet to grow, and the commercial gains available to anyone willing to traverse the deviating and nameless roads that form the web.

Now, you may very well be asking, and I do not doubt that you are, for as I said; you very well may be, but since you are asking I will leave you in suspense and continue upon another subject.

I was walking past the ivory salesman today, when a gander about me took me to realise that I had inadvertently wandered into the midst of a rather unusual scene; a buffalo no taller than an ox was walking down the street with seven grown men dancing before it, indeed as I watched the very head of the beast turned yellow and then sprouted whiskers, within a few seconds it became a pigeon! I scarcely could believe my eyes, that I rolled on the ground rubbing them and yelling ‘Ouch, ouch, what beast is this that troubles me so? Do help me good folk, do help me!’ Taken a back by my reaction, I can only assume that the pigeon flew off, leaving the few strange souls who had encountered this amazing sight looking instead at me. I didn’t have any more comment to make on the subject, so I simply stood up and left, but what a day, oh, what a day!

It was while I was in consideration of this that I realised the internet was lacking in a very very important shop; no more than my very own Massive Fishmongers and Fine Cheesery, which is now online and where you may purchase the very finest of raisins, olives, and geranium flavoured vegetables. Come one, come all, come to my shop and partake in the custom that continually supplies my very money which goes towards* this internet connection so that I may tell you of me spending your money!

And that, my readers, is where today does to end, and where I, myself, with a pain in my heart like a yogurt being put through a series of retail-based examinations of increasing difficulty, must leave your reading eyes, and instead enter my own world of fairies and aardvark-dragons.

Farewell! And return upon another morrow that I might once more be the glad beneficiary of your find presence.

*Much of my money goes on investment in corn* or small businesses which operate in the Lindesgrad area

*I waste much of my money.

Installing osCommerce

My tremendously good readers,

I speak to you now, as I have often done in past hours, from a seat up in that finest of universities; Aberystwyth. Now, it has reached my attention via the general waves and mumbles of this pleasant world that there are few numbers still aware of the ban on the cottage pie crusade, set to take place every morning of October the 25th, and every following morning during porridge hours. Porridge hours, of course, referring to the time I spend encased in porridge back in Kidderminster during their bi-annual porridge eating extravaganza. Sometimes I find those memories disturbing, other times I find them the same, but it has been ever since that October the 25th has been celebrated by myself, as well as every other day during porridge hours, by the hunting down and pleasant belittling of the humble cottage pie, often with or without a hat, often with. I must admit, it does take me back to my childhood when I recall my good friend Alfred, who was some decades younger than me, used to carry an entire walrus up a hill with only his bare pupils to prevent him from toppling head first into old Mr. Krockenburg’s prize geraniums. Oh, what a joy was my childhood and how often I remember those days fondly, it seems with the passing of years the fog of age has quite clouded my heart to how I was back then, but my memories remain clear. I do remember once, poor Mrs Hoppington was building a garden wall out of weetabix and I wondered what was the purpose in such a wall, and she told me.

It was in fact on that very day, when Mr. Huffington, our local post-boy and general salesman of the duck variety, came to my door and asked if I would partake in the local mimicry of Mr. Paddock’s new goat, Eric. Now, I am not a cruel man, nor would I consider myself so if I had ever owned a new born gorgon with two hands, I am far more of a*

*Here I stopped writing, and, due to unforeseen circumstances, the buffalo will not let me return.

 

Customising WordPress

Hello once more!

Good evening to you fine people from myself, Mike Steel, on this most wonderful of days. It has been too long, perhaps, since my last post, or too short, all I know is that it was unlikely in between and  most probably not in between enough to warrant complaint. Yes, my dear readers, my writing is as giddy as my head for today is another day of enjoying WordPress and it’s exciting features which have newly been brought to my attention by another command from the world of Computer Science. This command, a most epic and exuberant document, explicating my every move as to be committed upon this fine blog in the minutes preceding this post, arrived to me, as I remember, on the morning of February the seventh under the banners of Aberystwyth when I was only in the 19th year of my age, as I am still. There was a jocund bluster in the air and a fellow had just retrieved his hat from a passing wilder-beast, but I was in my element for I knew that would be the day that I would be required to once more use this most amazing of websites. I am quite sure of my mood for, just to heighten my already much improved state of mind, I enjoyed a few minutes of rambling on to my pet guerrilla, Dr. Hedgehog, about the spirit of the times and the news so readily available in the papers of the day.

It was about this time that I discovered I had not the love of pineapple chunks as I remember from when I was a boy, as a boy I would regularly and endlessly feast upon such morsels as I would happen to chance upon, but now no longer, I even once recall having picked them off of a very fine pizza which I had been enjoying. How could I do such a thing, I thought to myself, and, indeed, Dr. Hedgehog was much in agreement for he also was a lover of the pineapple chunks, a strange taste perhaps for a guerrilla, or perhaps not, I don’t know, I’m not a zoologist. For two days then I pondered his thoughts, and for forty-eight tormented hours I wondered, were pineapple chunks really to be my undoing in the eyes of my favourite pet who, since I was only small, had carried my umbrella and fastened my chicken nuggets about my ankles. It had, in fact, been an idea of my estranged aunt’s to have chicken nuggets fastened about my ankles, and, as was the situation on Tuesday, rationing was looming and I feared for my entire legs being pulled away by children hungering for those small pebbles of chickenny goodness.

After two days of considering this I found my constitution much improved and ready for another look at WordPress, my instructions had been first to find a theme, one that was both tasteful and vibrant, that was neither decadent nor over-indulgent. How to spell decadent was also on my mind for Dan the Present assured me either ‘ent’ or ‘ant’ was a fine ending for such a word. I had hoped not to need to use it in this blog and therefore avoid the rather unfortunate necessity of having to spell it, however, such times pass, as such times come, and now I find myself not only having to try and spell it, but having to regress through the same thoughts as had come prior to this problem when I had wondered upon its spelling. What a complex world it is we inhabit, where, in a moment, spelling, meaning, and aim can all change and leave us with a blog that has neither purpose for those that read it, nor he who works away painstakingly at the heart of it.

The theme, however, has been much more successful compared to the spelling of decedent, there were far fewer issues than the difficulty of the task might suggest and even my attempts to use it have so far gone without any too miserable results. Unfortunately, a second and equally important task had also presented itself, coverd up originally by a number of pinapple chunks now much devoured by Dr. Hedgehog, this task was to install plug-ins into my WordPress page. Oh, how my eyes rolled and my sides ached, and my ped cat danced the merry jog, oh, how my estranged aunt waved a pair of cacti about while the sun turned blue and split into three different equally exciting chunks.

The first of these plug-ins was to connect that most venerable page, Facebook, and that most honourable page, Twitter, to my humble blog. Now, my good and fair readers, who so often, I am sure, visit those pages and enjoy their merriment, you may now like or share this page in such a way that all those good souls you know might say ‘Oh look, Perciville is reading a rather splended article on how cats should never wear apricots on a winter’s evening!’ And then, with social status much improved, you can go about town and show off your particular wit that you shall have picked up on the number of notable subjects presented here, and all those people about town would know what you spoke of and be generally glad of it all.

The names of these plug-ins, now to be recorded for the ceaseless hordes who shall rule our overthrown earth in millenia to come, are so titled as Async Social Media Buttons (Google+, Twitter, Facebook), and my beautiful tubes. The former being a plug-in for connection to the bracketted pages, and the latter allowing me to play around with the placement of YouTube videos within my blog, which I shall have much fun with at a later date, I am sure.

I fear though, my fine readers, that my blog post for today must come to an end; Dr. Hedgehog has had his fill of pinapple chunks and I myself must attend a pressing engagement with a womble named Kevin. For now, dear readers, farewell!

Fondest regards,
Mike!

Installing WordPress

Evening* folks.

Another day in Aberystwyth and another blog set up by me, this one prepares to be an outstanding and fascinating endeavour into the antics of modern life, filled with clever wit and general brilliance so far lacking entirely across the internet. In a number of exciting instalments I will update you on my continued endeavours into the world of Computer Science, along with other such topics including; How to Ride a Whale, the Correct Amount of Characters in the Third Pirates of the Caribbean, and a List of Names I Find Annoying and Which Should be Removed from the English Language. However, should these blogs fail to appear, it is only because more important subjects have arisen which need to be discussed in length before we move onto these trivial matters.

But I digress, the title and therefore suggested purpose of this post is to discourse in length my battle with the instalment of that great behemoth; WordPress. It was a fair Monday afternoon, as I recall, when I was first told of the adventure to come, and I first thought it quite a trivial request to start and henceforth to maintain a blog of both quality and interest. Now I see there is quite a challenge to be had for some at least, does that some include me? It is a good question, I shall admit, and one that I would consider in length had I the notion. But that would take time I have not at this moment, why I have not the time? Another blog perhaps, or maybe two if the adventures are too numerous and fascinating to express in a singular notation. For now I must simply say, the setting up of WordPress was an invigorating experience of the sort that would bring tears to the eyes of heroes and (I hope) shall one day be recited in length in some epic poem. How merry that day shall be, and how little I would tire of such a time, for now though I must bid adieu to my fond readers and content myself with a smile and a wave, knowing that with most fervent heart I shall return soon and create a further blog on a subject so great it makes my mind tremble in its simple consideration.

Fondest regards,
Mike Steel

*Should the suggested time be incorrect please read this as something more appropriate, or return when the opening statement is correct.